


The Woman in the Iron Mask

by DarkWolfMoon



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Female Tony Stark, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, It's a little slow, Secret Identity, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23407948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkWolfMoon/pseuds/DarkWolfMoon
Summary: Antonia Elizabeth Stark has learned the hard way that trust is not something she should give away blindly, and nowhere is that more obvious than her personal life and professional life. She has been keeping secrets for years, after all. What's one more?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

Antonia Elizabeth Stark grew up knowing she was a disappointment, and it never stopped her. At first, she tried doing everything she could to drag herself up out of that distinction, but her father ignored her achievements. She built her first circuit board at age four just to watch him break it. Two months before her seventh birthday, she built a V8 engine for a motor bike. She didn't show this one to her father, having nearly three years of rejection and broken projects to color those times she brought something she made to his attention. He found it anyway and the look of pure hate that blossomed across his face was enough to cure her of any further thoughts of making things right between them.

At the age of six, she knew that nothing she ever attempted would please Howard Stark. So, for a time, she stopped trying to please anyone. She had come to the realization that most people she knew—all of them adults—didn't know what to do with her and left her to her own devices. When she didn't leave her room for four days, Jarvis was the only one to comment.

Edwin Jarvis was the sort of man Tanya wished was her father, even though he never called her Tanya, claiming it wasn't proper for him to call her by her desired nickname. He was quiet and gentle; he listened when she came to him with a problem and he gave her what advice he could. She knew not to bring him any questions about her projects because she understood them better than he ever could, but he was good for the small things, the ones she kept buried inside until they exploded out of her like a failed experiment. Jarvis was the one who helped her the first time she completely shut down, her emotions trickling away like paint, leaving a colorless world behind.

It had scared her that first time, when she knew she should feel something but had neither the energy nor the attachment to the present to feel anything at all. He told her it was okay even as it got worse and even the fear slipped through her fingers, leaving her numb. She didn't know what she would have done if she didn't have him there grounding her. When it stabilized, months had passed, and she had learned to fake what she needed to survive. Jarvis was the only one who knew something was wrong, and he helped her find things to work on to keep her mind from spiraling into the dark place she could sense just beyond the limits of her mind. She was twelve years old.

She escaped the cold hallways of the Stark Mansion when she was fourteen, taking up residence near MIT with a cook and a caretaker, neither of whom were Jarvis or could even compare. In spite of the natural attention her family name garnered, she kept mostly to herself, losing days and weeks in her projects and her schoolwork. She fell in love with mechanical engineering and robots and making things that worked for her. It was inevitable really when she turned her attention to making a friend. Or, in her case, a F.R.I.E.N.D.

The first of her Fully Robotic Intelligent Entities Needing Direction earned the designation DUM-E. It was mostly affectionate, but the little robotic arm had a limited intelligence in his coding and was subject to glitching. She loved him anyway because that was how she made her first human friend.

James Rhodes was a classmate in her Advanced Mechanics class. He was intelligent and careful. She had noticed him from a distance, admiring the calm demeanor he portrayed most of the time. He helped mediate disputes when the professor was unavailable or simply not paying attention, and he had caused several of the more jealous types in the class to back off and leave her alone. Which was why it was mortifying when DUM-E knocked him over with the rest when it was happening again. Her little bot wasn't bad, and he didn't hurt them, but he had no concept for acceptable application of strength. Or the ability to distinguish between threat and non-threat.

Or this was DUM-E's way of making her find a human friend. She didn't think he was intelligent enough for that kind of guile, but she couldn't immediately discount it. She didn't even realize she had added any protection protocols where she was concerned.

Tanya held out a hand to Rhodes. "Sorry about that," she said sheepishly. "DUM-E's still a bit new and he's been giving me hell trying to work out the kinks in his system. I didn't mean for you to get caught up in this."

He accepted the hand and she pulled him up. "But you did mean for the others to get caught up in it?"

"No. Well... No, but I can't say I'm sorry they were. You're the only one among them who really deserves an apology."

"Huh." He looked down at her for a few moments as though he was trying to figure her out. Then he shrugged. "I suppose not. The name's James Rhodes."

"I know. Just like you know I'm Antonia Edwina Stark. Nice to officially meet you, I guess." She shuffled in place. She was in the downswing of an empty period, but she still wasn't quite back to fully-functioning human yet, and these social situations were difficult since she didn't have a frame of reference for how it was supposed to go other than what she had seen in movies. Awkwardly—she was self-aware enough to admit that—she simply walked away.

Honestly, she hadn't expected anything else to come of the incident. It was ordinary, a single event that should have had no bearing on the rest of her college experience.

She should have known that Tanya Stark wasn't made for normal.

* * *

Rhodes began paying more attention to her. Not in a creepy way, as some of the other guys did, but as a sort of hyper-vigilant mama bear. She didn't know if she should have confronted him about it either, as he always pointedly stopped paying attention as soon as he noticed she had seen him. It was a game between them to see who would break first. Would she give in to her curiosity and impatience first, or would he make some effort to explain what the hell he thought he was doing?

She blamed it on the emotions bleeding back into her awareness when she broke first.

"Why have you been watching me?" she demanded, having successfully cornered him after class. "Do you want something?"

"No, I don't want anything."

"Then why do you keep looking in my direction? No one looks at me unless they want something."

"No one?"

Tanya paled. That was far more than she intended to reveal. People didn't know she knew that, and she had wanted to keep it that way. When they ignored her, it was safer. She didn't have to put as much effort into acting normal when her emotions vanished like morning mist.

"I-I mean..."

"I think you said exactly what you meant. But seriously? No one?"

"I... They have more important things..."

Rhodes frowned. "More important than paying attention to a child genius who clearly has a lot to give and say? Everyone who does that to you is a damn fool, and don't deserve you."

Instantly, Tanya was on guard. Nobody said things like that. Not to her. "Seriously, what do you want?"

Instead of answering, he rocked back on his heels, looking at her with a little more distance. "Someone has majorly fucked you up." There was silence between them for a few moments during which he reached out to her and she flinched away. "Shit," he muttered under his breath, though she could still hear it. "Look, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You always look like you're ready for the world to attack you. I guess now I can see why."

"Why are you checking up on me?" She folded her arms across her chest, which was only just starting to fill out under the bulky sweater. "I can probably help with homework, but I'm not exactly very good at explaining my thought process, even to the teachers."

"I'm not— Have people been trying to extort answers out of you?"

"Of course not. They have to pay for them."

Rhodes snorted, an amused look on his face. "Really? Do you have a whole underground homework scheme or something?"

Tanya was still trying to understand the strange feeling in her chest from his laugh. It was almost like the feeling she got when DUM-E first came online, like something slotting into place that she had never realized was out of alignment. "Or something," she admitted. "It's nothing big or complicated. And you're the first person to realize it's me behind it, but it exists."

"Why tell me about it?"

"I don't know. You distracted me," she accused. But she couldn't be angry at him. He hadn't done anything to make her tell him, but it was nice to have it out there, to have someone know. "It just came out."

He shrugged. "It makes sense why you wouldn’t want to tell anyone else about it. I mean, the shit others put you through, I don't know how their bruised egos would survive if they knew they were getting their answers from the person they hassle all the time."

A moment of panic seized her. "You can't tell anyone!"

"Relax, I won't." He looked like he was going to pat her shoulder but thought better of it. "Besides, what would be the fun of laughing at them if they knew?"

"I think I like you." The words left her mouth before she quite knew what she was saying. Belatedly, she slapped her hand over her mouth, aware that she probably deserved the stinging it caused.

"Well, that's good. I hate to think what you would do if I ended up on your shit-list. You let me know if that happens, and I'll figure out a way to make it up to you." He made interacting with another human being seem so easy. She wanted him to stay in spite of the blunder of revealing her thoughts and emotions in the moment. "For now, do you want to get a pizza or something? I'm starving."

That was the start of it. He started hanging around more, listening to her when she went on rants about engineering, offering points of contention or debate when he could. She didn't know when it happened, but it became easy to talk to him, and they ended classes every Friday with pizza and soda while they studied. She introduced him to DUM-E properly and she could have sworn the little bot was trying to give him the Shovel Talk in binary, even though they were just friends. It was comforting to know that her mechanical creation was so protective of her, as much as she was of him.

After a while, she began to call Rhodes 'Rhodey', as well as a whole host of pet name she had no idea she was capable of. That part of her only came out when she felt safe, and she was surprised and gratified that she was able to relax as much as she did around him.

* * *

She graduated MIT beside Rhodey at seventeen with her doctoral degree in Mechanical and Electrical Engineering and a Master's in Physics, finally looking like a proper girl and hating the attention it brought her. Being Tanya Stark was difficult enough with the publicity perpetually surrounding her because of who her father was, now she was dealing with stories coming out every week about someone else she supposedly had sex with. She started collecting the articles and burning them with Rhodey when he came over on Fridays. Smores were summarily added to the pizza and soda routine since the fire would be there anyway, burning merrily in a small campfire pot.

After graduation, Rhodey went into the Air Force, and the day he left was the most difficult she had faced since before they became friends. She didn't want to let go of him, the only link to a good life she had ever experienced outside of Jarvis. For all that she knew it would be difficult, she forced herself to believe that Rhodey would be fine. It didn't stop her from making sure he always had a way to contact her. She was not about to lose touch with him if she had anything to say about it.

The only reason she moved into Stark Mansion again was to be close to Jarvis. She suffered through the galas and the dresses and the quips about her inferior ability from her father so she could be closer to the man who had actually raised her. He was getting older, she knew, and she was not naive enough to think that wishing would keep away his eventual demise. Nothing on Earth could halt the process of aging and the toll it took on the body.

She started collecting things, pieces of memories she could hold onto once Jarvis was gone. She had taken to recording every conversation they had, started collecting and saving every little gift he had given her, no matter how small. She didn't want to take these things for granted not knowing how much or how little time either of them had left. She wanted him to be safe and well, but she knew it wasn't as easy a proposition as she wished it to be.

And then it became known that he had cancer. He'd been hiding it from her, but he must have seen how obsessively she held onto everything. He always saw her, in spite of all the masks and walls she put up to hide what she was. He knew her better than she knew herself.

"I know you're worried about me," he told her one evening without preamble. "I know you don't want me to leave in any capacity. But I cannot promise you anything."

"I know." She was drifting in the midst of one of her upswings, when emotions were elusive at best, absent at worst. It had started the day he told her he had cancer. She wasn't quite empty, not this time, but she wouldn't have been able to function under the weight of the guilt and desperation if her feelings had not suddenly gone blank. She hated to think it, but she was grateful that part of her could shut down so completely.

"This was nothing you did," he whispered, gathering her into a rare embrace. He did not often touch her, and she rarely felt the need to be touched, even when Rhodey was free with his tactile affection. That Jarvis was touching her now made everything more real and yet completely wrong. It was not something she was allowed to have. This was not something she had earned or asked for.

She clung to him, trying to make his words stick in her mind even as some vindictive part of it that sounded so much like Howard told her she hadn't been good enough, hadn't gone the right route to save him.

"This was never your fault," he repeated, as if he could hear the shouting in her head. "You have done everything you were meant to do because you chose to do it. You are right, you are good, and I love you."

Tanya's heart stopped. Jarvis had never said that before. She understood it, she always understood it without him having to say anything. Her mind moved too quickly sometimes, forging ahead to conclusions she didn't want to make, realizations she wish she had never found. It was soon. Soon, she was going to lose him and there was nothing she could do about it. She clung to him more, wishing she could pass on some of her good health to him, even though she knew she didn't believe in wishes or magic, and never had.

"I would believe in miracles if it would save you," she whispered into his vest. "I would make the world forget how to move, trap everything in a single moment if I could keep you."

"But you wouldn't want that." His tone was gentle, as were the circular strokes of his hand on her back. "You wouldn't like being trapped in a moment, even if it was your own doing."

"No." She shifted even closer. "Which is why I never bothered to start the calculations."

He kissed the top of her head, another gesture he had rarely shown before, and rested his chin there. "You will become something great, and my only regret is that I will not be there to see it."

Even with her emotions mostly closed off, it was not faking when she cried.

* * *

She went alone to Jarvis's funeral, six weeks after her eighteenth birthday. Her father and mother were there, as was Ana, his wife, but Tanya didn't want to stand with any of them. She couldn't properly express everything she wanted to feel, and she didn't want her emotions back yet because she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it. Jarvis was the only one who could, and now he was in a casket they were slowly lowering into the ground. Rhodey was her last link, the last good thing in her life, and the only one she wanted right now.

And he was out of reach.

She gave herself that day to grieve in her own way. She had built DUM-E a couple of friends before Jarvis died, new bots that her surrogate father had been delighted to meet. Butterfingers, the second of her F.R.I.E.N.D.s, was named for his klutzy nature. Even with grips on the claw of his robotic arm, he still managed to drop everything he was trying to hand her. She had lost many a mug to his inferior ability, but she couldn't bring herself to change him. The other she built was simply called U. He wasn't as clumsy as his brothers, and he was far better behaved. Without some quirk in his nature, she struggled to name him. Before she realized she was doing it, he started responding to "Hey, you", thinking it was his name. Since then, she couldn't bring herself to change it.

But now her mind was turning to a different possibility. She wondered about the possibility of a robot without a body, or rather, a full-fledged AI. Artificial intelligence was a staple of science fiction, the best source of material for what could hypothetically be possible. They were cautionary tales, most of them, examinations of what would happen when the logic of a program encountered the illogical experience that is humanity. Tanya was of the opinion that the imaginary creators of those literary AIs didn't go far enough into their programming to make them non-homicidal. She was determined to change that. She wanted something she could talk to, something that could help her and protect her if she needed it.

She didn't originally intend to use Jarvis's voice for it, but somewhere in all the protocols she was creating, all of the functions that would be wrapped up in this intelligent system, she couldn't imagine it sounding like anyone else. And she had recordings of Jarvis's voice. She could make it happen, give her AI the voice she so desperately wanted to hear.

She wasn't even consciously aware of the moment she compiled her recordings into the vocal program, but she had. Her heart almost stopped the moment she heard the first "Hello, Miss Stark."

* * *

After the death of Jarvis, Tanya sequestered herself in her wing of the Mansion, hiding with her bots and the slowly developing AI. She wasn't sure yet what she was going to call it, but it was currently saved in a file labeled "The Jarvis Project" for lack of anything else. It was slow work trying to build something so complex it could think for itself and learn from its experiences. She was literally building the programming from the ground up, which was nothing to sneer at. She wished Howard knew that.

She was at odds with her father more often than not, struggling to make him see that she could be right about some things. As much as she didn't want to impress him, she was trying to, and all her attempts were unsuccessful. He stopped breaking them, but he still looked like he wanted to. And when she wouldn't give him the designs to pass off to the company, he could get mean.

She kept telling herself she would move out after the next incident and find her own place, but she kept putting it off until the next one because she had memories of Jarvis there. She didn't want to lose the good parts of her life because she couldn't deal with the shitty parts.

When Howard and Maria left on a trip, Tanya didn't think anything of it. They went on trips all the time and they didn't necessarily need—or want, in Howard's case—to take her with them. She didn't blame her mother much. Maria Stark was raised to act like a proper woman, never letting any problems in the home appear outside of it. Even when Howard's affairs were painted across the tabloids like graffiti, she stood tall, played the dutiful wife while the disappointment and anger seethed in silence.

Tanya vowed never to suffer that in silence. She wouldn't stand by someone who would do that to her, she wouldn't even give them the time of day. She was not a pawn to be used, a pretty cookie-cutter wife to slot into an average family. She was a Stark, with a spine reinforced with iron and a genius level intellect. It wasn't smart to suffer such indignities in silence, so she wouldn't do it.

She said goodbye to her mother, though, as she always did. She didn't know it would be the last time, or she would have done more.

She didn't say anything to Howard.

Tanya didn't know what it was that woke her on the morning of December 17th, 1991. The Mansion was quiet as the servants were not there, given an extended break while Howard and Maria were away, but it was not unusual for silence to reign in her wing. The sun was not up yet either, but there was a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach and a lingering idea in her brain that something had gone horribly wrong in the middle of the night.

She didn't find out what until that afternoon. When an officer called the house to report her parents' deaths in a car accident, Tanya was numb. It wasn't like the moments when her emotions abandoned her. She had been doing well lately, two months without an episode, but this was something different. Instead of emotions bleeding away, they became muted, roaring in the background in a cacophony she could parse out and process.

She answered all the questions she could mechanically, agreeing to come to the station in Long Island and identify them properly. Hanging up the phone, she dropped to the floor, her body shutting down out of shock. She wanted to believe this was some kind of cosmic joke, but everything appeared to be real. She couldn't ignore everything she had been told, but at the same time, she didn't know how to assimilate the information she'd been given.

Howard and Maria were dead. It didn't make sense. She had seen them yesterday before they left, and there was nothing in that moment to make her think it was the last time she would see them. But she didn't doubt the words over the phone. What reason would they have to lie to her?

It dawned with a sudden and unwelcome feeling that she was now alone, the last Stark. Her brain kicked and sputtered before rebooting, a resolve born of necessity blooming where numbness had been. She was the last Stark, and she was going to make damn sure people knew not to mess with her.

She pushed herself to her feet, her thoughts coalescing into plans and contingencies as she walked back down the hall to her room. Stark Industries was now hers as well, and she would need to make sure her company didn't implode with the loss of her father before she did anything else.

She had never built a weapon before, but she wasn't going to back down now. She had work to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Tanya Stark sat in the large event hall of the Caesar's Palace Casino in Las Vegas watching a video summarizing her accomplishments over the years. She didn't particularly want to be here, but her mother had long ago instilled in her the necessity for pageantry and pretty dresses. It was for publicity, for all that she was being given an award. They had even brought in Rhodey to present it.

That was it. That was the only reason she was here and not somewhere else. Like downstairs at one of the tables or home in her lab working on her latest project. Her schedule was filled with meeting after meeting across the world, and she was spending several hours in Las Vegas with people who pretended to like her and know what she did with her life.

The tabloids thought they had her figured out, calling her the reclusive genius or the secretive Stark sweetheart when they wanted to be particularly alliterative. Her every public sighting was scrutinized, her work carefully examined with as close a lens as they could manage without getting slapped with a suit for libel or harassment. She had lawyers working exclusively with her and her reputation for almost twenty years now, and most of the larger tabloids knew their regular tricks wouldn't fly. They could write their fantasies and sensationalisms, but they had to explicitly state the lack of proof. And Tanya was never foolish enough to provide any evidence of anything she didn't want the tabloids to write about.

Then Rhodey took to the stage and she dragged herself out of her thoughts.

"As liaison to Stark Industries," he began, "I've had the unique privilege of serving with a real patriot."

Tanya didn't allow the frown she felt to show on her face. It was a speech, she knew, one meant to cater to everything shown in the video. The video too had extolled the virtues of her patriotism. Was this what she would be remembered by? 'Tanya Stark was a good little patriot who built bombs to blow up America's enemies.' She hoped not.

"She is my friend," Rhodey continued, bringing more genuine feeling to the frozen smile on her face. "And she is my great mentor. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present this year's Apogee Award to Miss Tanya Stark!"

Music began to play, and people began clapping as Tanya stood and walked to the stage. She shook Rhodey's hand, then pulled him closer to plant a small kiss on his cheek to cover the whisper into his ear.

"Laying it on a little thick, aren't you?"

"No more than you deserve." He handed her the award, all crystal glass and horribly breakable. She forced herself not to clutch it tight enough to turn her knuckles white.

Rhodey pulled away out of the spotlight as she turned towards the microphone. "This," she said, holding up the award, "is an honor I don't know if I entirely deserve, no matter what pretty words my dear friend James Rhodes uses." She could almost see the tabloid headlines screaming a tacit confirmation of a relationship with Rhodey. "When I found out I was getting this award, I looked it up. The Apogee Award is for discovering and encouraging artists. On the one hand, I had to wonder why this was being given to me, as the sort of work I do, engineering and invention, is not typically considered an art. If we're honest, few people look at a bomb and think it's a thing of beauty."

There was a smattering of polite laughter, but several of the faces in the audience had adopted considering looks. Clearly, they were confused as well.

"However," she went on, "it's gratifying to know that someone besides myself recognizes engineering and design as a work of art. Because why can't it be both? Science is simply nature given order, and that is something we do so much as an art, we don't fully comprehend what we're doing. A garden is a science project made to look beautiful, setting order to nature. Aesthetics in general is the science of what we find most pleasing. So, I want to thank those who decided to give this award to me for recognizing that something doesn't have to fit into the compartment we label as art to be beautiful. May there be more art in science and vice versa in the years to come. Thank you."

She stepped out of the spotlight, listening to the applause of the assembly and letting her racing heart slow back down to normal speeds. Public speaking wasn't exactly something she was afraid of, but it wasn't something she enjoyed doing. She had her fill of attention from the jerks she knew in college and, if it weren't for the lesser evil of good publicity, she wouldn't ever leave her lab.

The evening gown swished about her legs as she returned to her seat. Crimson was a good color for her in a way that blue was not. There was something about blue that always made her look sick. It was a good color, and it could look good on some--like Rhodey, who was rocking his navy-blue dress uniform--but it was not something she should ever wear in public. It was one of the few things she remembered of her mother's fashion advice.

Maybe Howard had hated her because his favorite color was blue, and Tanya would never wear it.

"You did well up there," Obie said, pulling out her chair for her to sit. "Did you mean all of that?"

"Every word."

Obadiah Stane was a rock in her life. He pushed, but never too hard or too far. She felt safe around him in a way she didn't feel around many others. Not quite as safe as she had been around Jarvis, but he was there to help pick up the pieces of Stark Industries when Howard and Maria died. For all the inventing she had done, she didn't have the business chops to handle it on her own just then. Obie had walked her through the basics, and she read as much as she could from other big businesspeople to figure out the best way to navigate the narrow ledge she was meant to exist on. Within five years, she had been making strides into the future, and all of the other flowery things the introductory video had claimed.

Rhodey arrived on her right, in the place assigned to him. "Beautiful speech, Tones," he said, smiling as he slipped into place. "But anyone who doesn't think your work is a thing of beauty isn't actually looking at it."

She snorted. "That doesn't mean a lot coming from you since I know we have a lot of the same opinions on engineering in general. Spending four years immersing ourselves in it tends to dull the senses to anything else. Or at the very least alter your perspective along my lines."

"What's to say you haven't altered your perspective along _my_ lines?"

She shot him a skeptical look.

"Alright, I get it. You're better than me."

"Damn straight." The banter was fun. They didn't get to hang out like this when they were working. There was some banter, the light-hearted sort that didn't set off any alarms in the people around them. The Air Force had been prepared to pull Rhodey out and replace him when someone mistook their banter for an actual fight. She had managed to soothe their fears, but they decided never to take that kind of risk again and mutually banned play from work.

Dinner arrived and the conversation transformed into empty small talk for the benefit of those not normally in Tanya's sphere of influence. Several people came over to congratulate her personally on her achievement, attempting to hide their blatant networking, groveling, and toadying with less obvious tactics. She just thanked whatever higher power it was that prevented Justin Hammer receiving an invite. She didn't think she could stomach the drooling he would do over her any more than she could any other day. In fact, today she was less than charitable towards anyone looking to use her for her body or her mind. Fortunately, she had years of practice pretending one thing while feeling another.

"Are you ready to leave tomorrow morning?" Rhodey asked. "Remember, we have a schedule to keep."

"Ah-ah-ah," she chided, wagging a finger at him. "No shop talk at this table. You want to do that, find some other Tanya Stark's table."

"Bit hard to do. I only know one Tanya Stark."

"Perhaps you should broaden your horizons."

The dinner finished, and people were finally making their way out of the event hall and down into the casino. She considered, briefly, going down and trying her luck at the tables, but she wasn't feeling particularly inclined to take advantage of the Vegas lure. She much preferred the thought of going home and getting out of the tight dress she was wearing.

"Wanna walk me out to my car?" she asked Rhodey, pushing herself away from the table.

"Don't want to try your luck?"

"If I'm honest with myself, Lady Luck and I aren't always on speaking terms, and I'd just as soon not risk it."

He shrugged. "At least you'll be well rested for tomorrow."

"Well rested to sit on a plane for twenty hours. Sure." She sighed. "I'm just tired of the people right now. Usually I can do this. Maybe I'm just getting older." When he didn't respond, she smacked him. "Thanks a lot, jerk."

"Well, you are almost 40. What did you expect me to say?"

"I'm 38. Let's not prematurely age me any more than the media tries to. Look at me. Do I look 40?"

"No."

"Good. That's what you were supposed to say. It's a bit late now, so I'm just going to leave you at the door." She turned up her nose at him, pretending to be far more offended than she was.

Her age was another reason the tabloids liked to talk about her. Apparently, they couldn't conceive of a woman still being sexy well into middle age, while they were fine with labeling men as attractive and desirable well into their sixties. Part of her wouldn't be happy until she shoved all their expectations down their collective throats until it was bleeding out their ears.

Happy met her at the door of Caesar's Palace, coming up to flank her. Happy Hogan was the best thing to encounter unexpectedly since befriending Rhodey. He was loyal to her alone, protective (which she badly needed), and he didn't care what anyone else said about her. It was easy to get along with him, and she knew that their relationship was more that of brother and sister than client and bodyguard/driver. She was convinced he made such an excellent bodyguard because of this, but he would never admit to it.

The car wasn't far from the entrance. Happy crossed in front of her a few steps to open the passenger side door on the vehicle.

"Miss Stark? Christine Everhart, Vanity Fair Magazine. Can I ask you a couple of questions?"

Tanya froze. She thought she was out of the realm of pageantry and publicity for the evening. It seemed not.

"Do you want to do this?" Happy whispered, not quite loud enough for the woman or the two security men holding her back to hear.

"Not really, but I think I have to."

"I can send her away, if you want."

"No," she sighed and started to turn around. "Let's just get this over with now."

Christine Everhart was a beautiful young blond woman. If Tanya had to guess she was in her late twenties or early thirties. From the way she stood and the particular rigidness of her shoulders, it was clear that this woman would beat down titanium doors if that was what it took to get the story. Tanya both admired and despised her for that quality.

"Yes?" she asked, careful to keep the testiness out of her voice.

Miss Everhart's face brightened. "Thank you. You've been called the Da Vinci of our time. What do you say to that?"

Tanya felt the corner of her mouth quirk up in a near genuine smirk. "I don't know if you had access to the award ceremony, but I would like to think I put it rather succinctly in there. It's nice to have someone recognizing beauty in science and technology. I don't know if I would personally refer to myself as Da Vinci, but it's a flattering comparison."

"And what do you say to your other nickname, the Merchant of Death?"

The world suddenly flickered for Tanya, and she recognized the sinking feeling of her emotions draining away. Some part of her mind still clinging to them moaned piteously because it had been more than a year since the last incident. She had been doing well, feeling more like she thought a person should. She knew it wasn't Miss Everhart's fault--not exactly, anyway--but she resented the fact that she was the one to bring this on.

With practiced ease, she slid into control of her fake emotions and replied, "What do you expect me to say about it? I don't regret keeping my company on top, dragging it back from the edge it was hanging over when my father died. The framework was already in place, Stark Industries has been known for weapons manufacture since the 1940's. I simply upgraded it from the cute cottage with the white picket fence to the mansion it is today." She paused, noting the veiled annoyance on Miss Everhart's face. "We live in an imperfect world, but it's the only one we have. It's the only one we're going to have for some time, I'm sure, and if I can protect it by providing weapons that work, then I will do that. Every time. The day weapons are no longer needed to keep the peace, I will repurpose my company to provide for a different need in our world."

Miss Everhart raised one expertly plucked eyebrow. "You rehearse that much?"

"I don't need to. War is profitable, yes, but if you look back in my history, I did not start out making bombs. I built circuit boards and engines and robots. I am sure that in the unlikely event of world peace, I can find some other avenue of need to keep my company afloat. My father believed that peace was having a bigger stick than the other guy. I think peace should mean we don't need sticks at all. Until that comes to pass, I will play into Howard's philosophy and make sure the cause of freedom and justice has the biggest stick."

"A lot of people would say what your father did was war profiteering."

"He saw a market, one he could contribute a lot to, and I can't speak for many of his motives. We didn't exactly have the heart-to-hearts about this sort of thing most people seem to think we did.” Tanya offered her a sardonic smile. “But in spite of being one of our most profitable avenues, weapons development is not the whole of what Stark Industries is. We have expanded medical technology with military funding, technology that can and sometimes is used in everyday hospitals around the world. Our intelli-crops are also working on defeating world hunger, especially in areas of drought. Also developed on military funding.

“I know there are people out there who would say I should shut down the weapons R&D but, frankly, those people don't realize the scope of that particular endeavor. Stark Industries is made up of several divisions, but many of them are interconnected, and it could destroy everything if I cut it out completely without putting anything in place to deal with the dip in stocks and production. At the end of the day, I am trying to run a business. One that has connections to the US and its militaries, but a business nonetheless."

"Did you ever lose an hour of sleep your whole life?"

"I've lost sleep for many reasons, but I can't say I've lost any over what I've done to protect American interests. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make my way home. I have a long week ahead of me, and I would like to get some sleep tonight." Tanya didn't bother waiting for a response before turning back to the car and sliding into her seat, buckling up as Happy closed the door.

She didn't let out the breath she was holding until they were out on the road, away from prying eyes and expectant ears.

"You okay?" Happy asked.

"I'm fine."

He didn't call her on it even though she could tell they both knew that was utter bullshit. But he didn't know about these episodes. Rhodey didn't know about these episodes, either. The only one living who did besides her was Pepper Potts, and that was only because she had to deal with her at the worst moments of it, when she found Tanya sitting on her couch and staring at the wall. Or a blank TV. It wasn't that she didn't think she could trust Happy or Rhodey, but she didn't want them to look at her as if she was broken. Pepper had a way of making her seem normal, even when she knew she wasn't, and she was grateful for it. Her attitude was a balm which tended to bring her out of the numbness faster than anything else.

It was a shame she was going to spend four days out of her company.

The drive to Malibu took nearly five hours, and Tanya was glad to get out of the car and stretch her legs. She tried to get some sleep in the car, but it proved elusive at best. Her mind wouldn't stop going through her responses to Miss Everhart's questions. She stood by every word she had said, but there was something niggling at the back of her mind, something she had missed, something unsaid. If she ever ran into that reporter again, she would have to ask what it was. Off the record, of course. She wasn't about to admit she was conflicted in any way concerning her company.

Exhaustion was dragging at her as she changed out of the evening gown, letting it fall to the floor of her room in a puddle of silk. She pulled out a set of comfortable sleepwear, worn and soft and everything she needed to go to sleep. Once she was dressed, she lay in her bed, trying to shut off her mind.

She should have known that was a futile effort. Sleep never came when she desperately wanted it to. Especially not the first night after her feelings abandoned her. Sighing, she tossed back the blankets and slipped on a pair of flats on her way to the door. On nights like these, there was only one thing to do.

* * *

Time didn't mean anything to Tanya down in the workshop. She was working on the engine of one of her cars. It had been a while since she had upgraded the engine in the Bentley. The project was past due.

Mechanics was one of her oldest coping mechanisms. Even before she had a degree in engineering, she was fixing things Jarvis brought to her, making them better, though he would be the only one who ever knew about it. It didn't stop the whirring of her mind, spinning away down one path of innovation or another, but it did help her focus and shut out all the intrusive thoughts which attempted to convince her she was more broken than she knew.

Of course, the level of focus she usually entertained also shut out the rest of the world, which was why Pepper found her in the workshop just after 9AM.

"Aren't you supposed to be on a plane on its way to the other side of the world?"

Tanya looked up at her, and there must have been something in her face because Pepper was at her side almost immediately.

"When did it start?" she asked, taking the tablet out of her hand and setting it down on the table before leading her over to the worn couch in the corner.

"Last night."

"In Vegas? Did something about the award ceremony trigger it?"

"No. After. The reporter."

Pepper swore. "What reporter?"

"Vanity Fair. Christine Everhart." When Pepper reached for her phone, Tanya grabbed her hand. "No, don't. She didn't know. I don't even know what really caused it."

"This is the worst time for it." Pepper put an arm around her shoulder. "We can't reschedule this presentation, but I can shuffle around things after this, give you some time to recover. Will that be okay?"

"I don't know. I want it to be, but I don't know."

"It's fine." Pepper's hand around her shoulder drifted down to rub calming circles on her back. Tanya leaned into her. Although she had never been particularly tactile, it was nice that Pepper was willing to do this for her. The woman was the best damn PA in the world, and Tanya would fight anyone who said anything bad about her. "Let's just take this one day at a time. You're already packed because you knew you wouldn't have a lot of time with that award ceremony. You just need to get dressed, and I'll make sure you get to the airport."

Standing up, she pulled Tanya with her, leading her back up the stairs from the basement to her room.

Tanya went into autopilot, showering and dressing without really paying attention to anything. As she stepped out of the bathroom to see Pepper waiting for her, she paused. "Isn't today your birthday? What are you doing here? You requested the day off."

"Rhodey called me when you weren't at the plane. And I only requested half the day off. I can take care of getting you where you need to go before I'm done for the day." She smiled. "And don't worry, I got your present. Thank you."

"Oh. Good." She couldn't remember what exactly she had sent to Pepper. Probably a piece of artwork, as art was always an interest of hers. "Are you sure? I'm not messing with any plans, am I?"

"No. And even if you were, I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here when you need me." She picked up the small bag stuffed with extra clothes and a set of body armor. "I promise you at least a month-long break from everything when you get back. Just four days, and you'll be back here recovering."

"Four days." It was a defined period of time. She could do this. That was 96 hours, or 5,760 minutes, or 345,600 seconds. She could manage the fake emotions and blankness for that long.

Happy was waiting outside in the car. "Is everything alright?" he asked.

Part of Tanya wanted to tell him. There was really no reason why he shouldn't know, he was around her enough to help when these things happened. But she swallowed the words. "Just running a little late," she told him with a smile. "So, if you can make it to the airport in record time, I'd be grateful. Can't keep Rhodey waiting too much longer."

Pepper didn't say anything. She was not the sort of person who would give away secrets like that if they weren't life-threatening. And so far, this feeling had never been life-threatening. Terrifying, inexplicable, but never dangerous. Tanya knew she probably had Jarvis to thank for that. He had diverted her attention early enough back when it first occurred that her way of dealing with it was not hazardous to her health. As long as she had someone monitoring when she slept and ate, and the new JARVIS was doing that.

Four days away from home was four days away from JARVIS, though, and that hurt more than she wanted to admit. She loved the A.I., giving him access to everything she had or would have. He connected to the servers at Stark Industries, had a permanent uplink to the internet via her own personal satellite, and was fully equipped with a learning algorithm, making him the most intelligent system she had ever heard of in development. If anyone knew about him--truly knew the extent she had gone to in order to make him what he was--they would be crying Skynet faster than she could diffuse the negative press, but she couldn't bring herself to limit him. He was meant to be more than the sum of his parts, more than his code, and he couldn't be that if she put any limits on him. There was a loose moral code in his programming, but even that was something he could change as necessary. She had to believe it would change for the better.

They arrived at the airport in silence, driving straight to the runway where her plane was waiting. She could tell from the glance she caught through the rearview mirror that Happy was worried about her silence. She had talked last night when it became evident she wouldn't be able to sleep in the car, but now when she was awake and on her way to the plane, words failed her. Talking was usually one of the ways she coped with these episodes, but something was stopping her. She stepped out of the car and took the bag Happy handed her before making her way over to the rolling stairs set against her plane for embarking and disembarking.

"You know, when we talked last night," Rhodey called from his position at the foot of the stairs, "I thought you would be here on time."

Tanya pasted on a smile, falling into the banter easily. "I lost track of time, so sue me! Or, actually, don't. It's Pepper's birthday today and I don't want to ruin that with some ridiculous legal battle."

He sketched a comical bow. "Your chariot awaits, your majesty."

She gave him a light smack as she passed him on her way up the stairs. At the top, she turned back to see Pepper talking to Rhodey in a hushed voice. While she knew her PA wouldn't give him more information than he needed, she hoped this wouldn't be the moment he learned how broken she was. Part of her was still afraid he would leave if she offered too much of a hassle as a friend. She didn't want to lay that burden at his feet any more than she wanted to lose any of her friends.

She situated herself in one of the comfortable seats near the middle of the plane. Looking out the window, she would be able to see everything beneath the wing, which was exactly how she liked it. Although they wouldn't be flying across the US for this venture, it was calming to her nerves to look out over the patchwork of land beneath the plane and see how small problems looked from the air. She'd never had a problem with heights or flying because it was an exercise in distancing herself in a healthy way to look out that window.

She couldn't recall flying during one of her episodes, usually because Pepper arranged things so she wouldn't have to leave home. She hoped the experience would be just as relaxing when she couldn't really feel anything.

Rhodey arrived and strapped himself into the seat across the aisle facing her. "You okay?"

"Did Mama leave instructions with the babysitter?"

"Pepper's just concerned about you. She wouldn't say why exactly, but I know she's not usually this upset when you leave the country for one reason or another."

Tanya sighed. Bless the woman for her tact, even though it set off all Rhodey's alarms. "I just had a bad night. There's no real reason for it, it just is."

"Are you okay?"

Bless Rhodey. He never pressed more than she wanted him to, as if he knew her boundaries so well he could circumnavigate her issues in his sleep. "I will be," she promised. "I just need a little time. Which I can get after this demonstration."

"Okay then. If you need me, I'll be right here. Don't hesitate to ask."

"I won't."

She kept her eyes fixated on the runway as the plane taxied. She could feel it gaining speed and altitude in her gut, even though they'd barely left the ground. With a sigh, she allowed herself to relax into the seat and her eyes to slip closed. She wasn't particularly tired, but there wasn't a lot to do on her plane, no matter what the tabloids suggested. There was no stripper pole in the vehicle, and she didn't employ exotic dancers as flight attendants. Or, at the very least, if she did, she didn't put much thought into what they did when they weren't on the plane, so it was not her place to judge.

In about twenty hours, they would be in Afghanistan, and she needed some rest before then. She allowed herself to be lulled to sleep by the steady rumble of the plane and the swooping feeling of flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who asked, I don't know if the disappearance of Tanya's emotions is a definable mental issue. I see it as an unconscious coping mechanism she developed living with Howard. She manages to dissociate from her emotions to prevent herself from becoming overcome. But because she doesn't consciously realize she's doing it, the sudden lack of feeling is concerning.
> 
> Also, apologies. I meant to have this up a week after the first chapter, but quarantine time is fluid and easy to lose track of. And I started another story that has consumed my life, but that happens every other day, so that's nothing new...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dipping my toe into the Female!Tony Stark stuff as well. I've read several of them and I hope to have a unique experience for people here. Please be aware that, at the moment, I only have up to chapter 18 completed. This sounds like a lot, and it is, but my muse is fickle, so I don't know how much beyond that I'll get done before I get there.
> 
> If you have any questions, feel free to find me on Tumblr at https://roguishredaxion.tumblr.com.


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